I’m actually writing this as my contract, proving myself that I need to have focus, and to follow a plan. A plan to make me happy with myself.
Since I went to U.S, all of the “bright exchange student that wants to have new experiences, and meet new people” kind of faded away, I felt lost every time some barrier happened, or every time that I saw that I would actually not have any good friend near me for the rest of the year. I transformed into a “depressed alone exchange student that drinks a lot alone on the weekends”, and that did not work well because I was starting to hate myself: Hate the way I regress from what I was on the beginning. I came here trying to figure who I was, but I did not expect that I still was this low self-esteem guy who is afraid to being alone, and to not feel loved.
I ate my feelings in the form of chocolate, and drank it in the form of new types of beer. It was (still is, because I am doing this text as a way to put a final dot on this man that I was becoming) disgusting. It has to change.
I miss my friends, my parents, my beautiful girlfriend, and every time I think about them I want to make them proud of me. I am doing so well on the eyes of those who see my Facebook posts, but on the inside I am just a guy missing too much the people he loves. A guy who figured out that he doesn’t know how to live feeling good about himself without someone saying to him that he is a lovely person. A guy that cares too much about how the world sees him.
That needs to change, I am more than that. I want to follow my plans to be happy, my plans to be mind, and physically healthy.
I will follow a diet, not the crazy ones, but an actual good follow up on the things that I eat here. No more whole pot of Ice Cream being eat as dinner. No more chocolate bag being almost done in a day. I will actually go to the gym; not just a promise of “I will probably go 3 times a week”, I will go every day, and do the correct exercises, on the correct way, with the correct weight. I will run on the street on the weekends, this place is so beautiful when you go actually out, why do I have to waste my time being sorry for myself at home?
I will change the way I see my life, not waking up with the crappy feeling of a crappy day, but with the happy feeling of not knowing what that day can bring me. With the happy feeling that I got a good job, that I am living on U.S learning English, that I have amazing parents, a beautiful and caring girlfriend, and awesome friends when I come back to Brazil. I will bring back the “bright exchange student that wants to have new experiences, and meet new people”, and just have fun.
I know that this is a lot of things, and it is not even close to be easy to actually follow all of this. However, I need to change; I need new air, I need to bring back the best part of me, and change myself where I have and want to.
That is the spark for a starting fire.